Returning to Doula Work after Your Own Pregnancy Loss
Losing a pregnancy as a doula is a unique kind of pain. You’re in the business of birth, supporting families, witnessing life, snuggling babies, and suddenly you’re on the other side—grieving what could have been. It’s gut-wrenching, messy, complicated, and it can feel impossible to find your way back to the work you once loved.
For those of us who’ve walked this road, we know that going back to doula work after a loss can feel like stepping onto a battlefield. The triggers are everywhere. Hearing a newborn’s cry, holding space for a laboring mother, witnessing the moments that you yourself won’t get to experience—it’s brutally overwhelming.
When I had my first miscarriage, I was working with a family who had a two-day old newborn. I felt this pressure—mostly from within—to keep going, to not “abandon” them during such a critical time. So I showed up to work two days later. I pushed through, telling myself that I could handle it. But in truth, it wasn’t a good situation for me (for obvious reasons). The grief was raw, and every time I held that baby, I was reminded of my own that I’d never get to hold.
Looking back, I know that forcing myself to continue working when I wasn’t emotionally or mentally ready wasn’t just a disservice to myself—it wasn’t fair to my client either. When I was with them, I wasn’t fully present. My mind and heart were heavy with grief, and I’m sure my energy reflected that. And while I supported my client as best as I could considering the circumstances, my heart wasn’t in it and I was basically just going through the motions. A family with a newborn deserves a doula who can give them the support they need, and at that moment, I wasn’t in a place to do that. I thought I was being strong by pushing through, but in reality, it made the situation harder. And while, thankfully, my clients didn’t have any complaints, I know I did not give them my best self.
When I had my second miscarriage, I had learned from that first experience and knew I needed to set the boundaries that were best for me and my healing. It was so freaking hard, but this time I made the call to a sleep coaching client I was supposed to start working with in a few days. I remember being incredibly nervous about how they’d react, but they were so sweet, sympathetic and understanding. Their response healed me in a way because I knew that I was taking care of myself in the most important way and by being understanding and compassionate, they were honoring that too.
Why Boundaries Matter When You Experience Pregnancy Loss
That second time around, I realized that setting boundaries wasn’t just about protecting myself—it was about making sure that I could give my clients the care they deserved when I was ready. By stepping back, I allowed myself to grieve properly, to heal in a way that I couldn’t the first time. It was a reminder that it’s okay to prioritize myself, even when I’m used to being the one supporting others.
Being a doula means we’re expected to hold space for our clients, but sometimes we need to hold space for ourselves first.
Give Yourself Permission to Pause
After a pregnancy loss, it’s okay to not rush back into work. It’s okay to take a break. Pushing through, like I did the first time, can only stretch you thinner and rob you of the time you need to heal. There’s no deadline for grief. You don’t owe anyone your strength when you’re still trying to find it for yourself. And when you do decide to return to work, you’ll be able to do so from a more grounded place.
Taking Care of Yourself After Pregnancy Loss
When I finally gave myself permission to set boundaries, I found a level of healing that I couldn’t access by pushing through. It was awkward and uncomfortable at times, especially making that difficult call to my clients and turning other clients away. But in the end, it gave me space to process my grief, and that was essential for both my personal well-being and my ability to return to work later on.
Coping after pregnancy loss while working as a doula is complicated, but there are resources out there to help you process and heal. Beyond connecting with other doulas who understand your experience, consider seeking out therapy or support groups that specialize in pregnancy loss or infertility. These spaces can offer a deeper level of healing that friends and family may not be able to provide.
Also, it might be helpful to have a few go-to books or podcasts that deal with grief and loss. Sometimes, just hearing from others who’ve been through it can make you feel a little less alone.
If you’re feeling lost, check out our Pregnancy & Infant Loss Resource Guide for more suggestions on where to turn.
Giving Yourself Grace on the Job
When you do eventually return to work, it won’t be the same. You won’t be the same. That’s okay. The hardest part is accepting that some days, you’re going to feel like a mess. You’ll be triggered by things that didn’t affect you before. You might have to take a breather during a postpartum visit or step away when you feel a wave of sadness during a birth you’re attending.
The important thing is to give yourself grace. You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to have all the answers, even for your own emotions. If you’re still showing up—even when it’s hard—you’re doing more than enough.
Healing Takes Time
Returning to doula work after pregnancy loss is not easy, and it’s okay to admit that. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my own experiences, it’s that healing doesn’t happen all at once. There’s no “right way” to come back. Maybe it takes months. Maybe it takes years. Or maybe you decide that doula work isn’t right for you anymore—and that’s okay too.
But know this: whatever you decide, it doesn’t define your worth. You deserve to heal, and you deserve to find peace in whatever form that takes.
And when you’re ready, if you’re ready, the work will still be there, waiting for you to return on your terms.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”