Working Through Your Own Grief as a Doula

As doulas, we’re taught to hold space for others, to support our clients through their most vulnerable moments, but not enough people about the toll it can takes on us—especially when we’re supporting clients through things like miscarriage, stillbirth, a terminal diagnosis or some other crisis that shakes a family to its core. It can be incredibly challenging and it can hit deeper than we expect. We think we’re signing up for joyful moments like witnessing birth or holding newborns, but the reality is, we also end up bearing witness to devastating losses, tragedies, and unimaginable heartache.

I’ll be honest: it’s heavy work. And it will weigh on you in ways you didn’t see coming.

Sometimes, it’s unbearable. And if you’re like me—a doula who has experienced loss in her own life—each time it can bring back some of your own grief, like ripping open a wound that’s never really healed. Even if you haven’t experienced loss yourself, being present for that kind of heartbreak can mess with you. We’re human. We’re empathetic humans. And the weight of grief doesn’t just disappear once you’ve left a client’s home. It lingers. It seeps into your own heart and life.

Several years ago I supported a family where the husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer while the wife was nearing the end of her pregnancy. Once their baby was born, I was in their home 3-5 days a week, caring for her and her baby and their toddler, but also witnessing their struggle—their desperate attempts to hold onto hope while watching his condition deteriorate. The days were filled with pain, grief, fear, and yet somehow, they still tried to find the good in each moment. It was intense—so intense that I carried it with me every time I left their home.

I watched him fight with every ounce of strength he had left. And then, I watched him pass away. I saw the community rally around my client and her children. I witnessed heartbreak, but also the immense beauty of people coming together to hold her up. It was both devastating and breathtakingly beautiful. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t stay with me, even long after I left their home for the last time. It changed me.

As doulas, we’re not just there for the birth or the early postpartum days. We’re in the trenches with our clients through their deepest pain. And no one really prepares us for that. No one prepares us for the emotional toll that comes with supporting a family through loss, crisis, or tragedy. I’m not sure it’s even possible to prepare us for that! And yet, it seems we’re supposed to be the calm, strong, grounding presence, but what happens when we also feel shattered?

Here’s the truth: you will carry their grief. And it will affect you. So how do you do it? How do you support them without breaking yourself in the process? This much I know: you can’t hold space for someone else if your own cup is empty.

Acknowledge Your Own Grief

This is real. The emotional weight you’re carrying is real. Don’t brush it off. Don’t tell yourself it’s not your place to feel this deeply. You’ve been in the middle of their heartache, and it can be impossible not to be affected by it. It’s okay to grieve for them, for what they’ve lost, for the pain you’ve witnessed. Allow yourself to feel it, cry if you need to, and acknowledge that their grief has become part of your own journey. Be mindful though not to project your feelings or grief onto them, no matter how deeply you feel it. I personally think it’s ok to grieve with them and let them know you’re also sad, but the focus should still be on them. If there is deeper work you have to do to acknowledge and work through your grief, do so privately, instead of with your clients.

Set Boundaries and Prioritize Self-Care

You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. And no, I’m not just talking about bubble baths and candles (unless that’s your thing). I’m talking about real, raw self-care—knowing when to step back, saying no when you’re emotionally depleted, and carving out time to process your emotions. Your clients need you at your best, not what’s left of you after you’ve run yourself into the ground. It’s okay to take breaks between clients, to not jump into another birth immediately after a loss. If you are someone who can’t compartmentalize things well, then it may be worth considering to work with a backup to ensure your client is supported if you can’t be present. Be honest with yourself about what you need to recharge and take care of yourself. There is a delicate balance here of still showing up for those who have already hired you, while also taking breaks for yourself.

Find Your Own Support

It’s easy to get swept up in caring for your clients and forget that you’re grieving too. You may feel sadness, frustration, anger, or even helplessness. We tell our clients that they shouldn’t have to navigate grief alone, and yet how many of us try to do just that? You can’t carry this weight alone either. Reach out to other doulas, friends, a pastor or priest, or a therapist who can empathize and understand the emotional toll of this work. Honor those feelings. Journal about it or create rituals that help you let go of some of that emotional burden. Talk about your experience. Let it out. Work through it. Bottling it up only makes it heavier.

It’s Okay to Step Away When Needed

Supporting clients through grief and loss isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. If this kind of emotional weight is more than you can bear right now, it’s okay to step away. There’s no shame in saying, “I need a break,” or “I’m not the right person for this right now.” Protect your own heart. You can still be an amazing doula and refer out to those who specialize in bereavement or loss. You don’t have to do it all. And even if you do refer out to someone else, you can still find ways to support that client or that family in a non-doula role.

Hold Space For Healing, Too

As heartbreaking as these experiences are, there’s also an indescribable beauty in being a witness to a family’s healing. I saw it with my client—the way her community rallied around her, the way she found moments of peace in the middle of chaos, and the way love still found a way through. It’s not all darkness. There’s light too. As doulas, we get to hold space for both. You need to give yourself permission to heal, just like your clients do.

Know It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

Doulas are known for being the strong, calm presence in the room. But what happens when we’re not okay? What happens when we leave a birth and feel completely shattered? It’s okay to not be okay after supporting a client through loss or grief or crisis. It’s okay to feel broken, to need time to recover, and to not have all the answers. We’re human. And sometimes this work hurts like hell.

The bottom line is this: you are not immune to the grief your clients are experiencing. You are not just a witness—you are an active participant in their process. But you can’t give what you don’t have. So, take care of your heart. Acknowledge the toll this work takes on you. Seek support. And above all, remember that you’re allowed to feel. You’re allowed to grieve. And you’re allowed to take care of you too.