Lessons I Learned from My First 5 Births as a Doula
You can read all the books, take the training, binge the webinars—and still feel like you got smacked in the face with a birth ball at your first few births. Most doula trainings will give you a solid foundation, but real learning? That happens in the birth room.
After my first five births, I walked away with a mix of awe, exhaustion, and a whole lot of "why didn't anyone warn me?" moments. So whether you're a freshly trained doula or you’ve just started taking clients, here’s some real, and unfiltered wisdom I picked up that nobody taught me in my doula training.
1. Birth Is Not About You
Let’s just rip the bandage off early: birth is not about you.
Not your training. Not your toolkit. Not your ego.
In a world where doula work is becoming more and more showy—where doulas are posting selfies in hospital rooms or humble-bragging about how many births they’ve attended—this work can start to feel like a performance. But here’s the reality: you are not the main character. The woman giving birth is.
Your job isn’t to curate an aesthetic or collect birth stories for content. Your job is to show up, stay humble, and give that woman what she needs—not what makes you look good.
If you’re trying to control the energy in the room or insert your favorite techniques just to prove your worth, that’s your ego talking. Doula work isn’t about being seen—it’s about being useful. And that often means fading into the background while you hold steady space through the chaos.
So before you walk into that birth, check your ego, leave your agenda at the door, and remember who you’re really there for.
2. You Might Feel Useless at Times
This one hit hard. I went into my first birth with this idea that I needed to “do” something impressive. Counter pressure! Affirmations! Directed Breathing. Instead, what I needed to do was read the room.
Some women are loud and unbridled in labor, while others are quiet and eerily calm. Some clients want you glued to their side doing all the hip squeezes; others want to labor alone and just need you to bring them water and a cold washcloth. Your job isn’t to follow your own script—it’s to tune in, respond, and match the vibe.
There were whole stretches of time during some births where I just stood there, quietly offering water or adjusting pillows, thinking, “Am I even helping?”
Here’s the truth: being present is a service. And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is sit in the corner and shut up. That doesn’t mean you’re not doing anything. That means you know when to step back and give your clients the space they need.
3. Birth Isn’t Picture Perfect—and You Need to Be Ready for That
No one prepared me for the emotional weight of watching a client’s birth plan unravel. Or the tears after a long labor that ends in a cesarean. Or the moment when trauma from a past birth re-emerges out of nowhere.
Birth can be joyful, but it can also be raw, messy, and heartbreaking. You have to learn how to stay steady, to validate what’s real, and to avoid toxic positivity.
Say things like:
“I’m here.”
“This is hard, and you’re doing it.”
“Whatever you’re feeling is valid.”
You can’t fix your clients birth (no should you want to!). But you can bear witness with compassion and an abundance of love.
4. Take Care of Your Body—Because Birth Doesn’t Care About Your Schedule
One of the quickest ways to burn out as a doula is to ignore your own physical needs. And trust me—birth will not pause for you to eat, stretch, or sleep.
I made the mistake of showing up to a 12-hour labor with no real food, no change of clothes, and not enough water. Spoiler alert: I ended up hangry, dehydrated, and sore for three days. Rookie mistake.
Here’s what I learned fast:
Pack real food. You need protein, fat, and something you can eat with one hand. Bring electrolyte water (and drink it), compression socks, a change of clothes, and a portable charger. If you’re on your feet for 12+ hours, you’re essentially doing physical labor—treat it that way.
And here’s the part no one talks about enough: you don’t just walk out of a birth and go back to normal life. You’re tired. Emotionally drained. Sore in places you didn’t expect. You’ve just been holding space for someone in one of the most intense, primal experiences of their life—and your nervous system was along for the ride.
After a birth, give yourself time to decompress and recover. Don’t schedule anything important the next day. Take a hot shower. Eat something grounding. Get off your phone. Sleep. Hydrate again. If you’re attending multiple births a month and not taking time to restore your body and mind, you’re on a one-way train to burnout.
Yes, doula work is about selfless service—but you’re no good to anyone if you’re wrecking your own body and pushing past your limits every time.
Honor your own recovery as fiercely as you protect hers. READ THAT AGAIN.
5. You’re Going to Cry—And That Doesn’t Make You Unprofessional
I didn’t expect the tears that came after a birth. Sometimes it was relief. Sometimes it was joy. Sometimes it was grief for a client’s loss of a plan or control.
I’ve cried in my car, in the shower, in voice notes to my doula mentor. And that doesn’t make me weak—it makes me human. We witness people in their most vulnerable moments. It’s a privilege, and it’s emotional. Find someone to debrief with. Don’t bottle it up.
Also? Keep tissues in your doula bag. For them and for you.
Bonus: You’re More Ready Than You Think
Imposter syndrome? That’s a doula rite of passage. But I’m here to tell you: if you care, if you’re showing up with heart and humility, if you’re learning as you go—you’re doing it right.
Your first five (maybe ten) births will seriously humble you. Heck, I’ve been to hundreds of births and am still humbled by all the new things I learn! These first births will also shape you, stretch you, and make you fall even more in love with this work. So keep going. Take notes. Reflect often. And never stop learning.
Doula training is your launch pad—but real growth happens in the births that leave you speechless, inspired, and sometimes wrecked in the best way. If you’re new to this work, hang in there. It can be intense, but it’s truly soooo worth it.