How to Help a Doula Client Who is Grieving a Pregnancy or Infant Loss
As doulas, we’re often called to stand beside our clients during the most joyous moments of their lives. But we are also invited to be there for the devastating ones—like when a client experiences a miscarriage, stillbirth, or the loss of their newborn. It's brutal, and navigating this with your clients can be overwhelming. You might not always know what to say or how to help. And that's okay—there's no "right" way to fix it. You can’t fix it.
But what you can do is show up and offer the kind of support that truly matters. Here are some of the most important ways to help a doula client through pregnancy or infant loss, pulled straight from doulas who have been there, us.
Show Up and Hold Space
When a client loses their baby, there's no magic word or phrase that will take their pain away. So don’t try. Just show up. Be there. Sit with them in their grief without rushing to fill the silence. It’s okay to not have the right words—you’re not supposed to. Sometimes just being there, holding space, and letting them cry or scream or sit in silence is the most powerful support you can offer.
Acknowledge Their Baby—By Name
Their baby was real. It doesn’t matter if they were 8 weeks along or 8 months—their baby existed. Say the baby’s name if they’ve chosen one. Don’t dance around the loss with clinical terms or avoid acknowledging it. The worst thing you can do is act like their baby didn’t exist. Validate their grief. Recognize the significance of their loss, and talk about the baby if they want to.
Honor Their Wishes
Every family processes loss differently. Some may want to spend time with their baby, while others may find it too overwhelming. Respect your client’s wishes without judgment, whether they choose to hold their baby, name their baby, have photographs take, or create a memorial. Guide them gently in making decisions, but always leave room for them to grieve in their own way.
Offer Emotional and Physical Support
Loss takes a toll not only emotionally but also physically. As doulas, we’re trained to care for the physical needs of our clients, whether it’s offering postpartum care after miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Be prepared to help them navigate both the physical recovery and emotional aftermath, offering resources for mental health support, grief counseling, and self-care practices.
Provide Practical Help
Grief takes up all the emotional space, leaving no room for the day-to-day tasks. Help with the practical stuff: start a meal train, offer to pick up groceries, or take care of their older kids. These simple acts can take an immense load off their shoulders. Our Pregnancy and Infant Loss Resource Guide is a great place to start, it offers tips for organizing meal trains, resources for grief support, financial assistance, and other practical tools for both you and your client.
Avoid Hurtful Phrases
We’ve all heard those well-meaning but devastating phrases like, “You can always try again” or “It was meant to be.” These words sting, even when said with the best intentions. Don’t minimize their loss or try to put a positive spin on it. Instead, be straightforward: “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.” Grief is messy—just meet them where they’re at. See our guide for more suggestions on what to say and what not to say.
Take Care of Yourself as a Doula
Supporting a client through pregnancy or infant loss can be emotionally draining. Make sure you also take time for your own self-care and reflection. Reach out to your support network, whether that’s other doulas, friends, a spiritual leader, or therapist, to help you process the emotions that come with this type of work. Remember, you can only give to your clients what you have within yourself.
Why We Created the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Resource Guide
This guide was written by doulas, for doulas—and for all those supporting grieving parents. We created it because we know firsthand how difficult it can be to navigate pregnancy and infant loss as a birth worker.
Our guide is not just for doulas, but for anyone who wants to offer compassionate, informed support during this difficult time. Whether you’re working with a grieving family or supporting a loved one yourself, this guide is designed to help you walk through these painful moments with empathy and confidence.
All proceeds from this guide go to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an incredible organization that provides remembrance photography to families suffering the loss of a baby. By purchasing this guide, you’re not only helping your clients, but also supporting a community of grieving parents around the world.
If you’re asking yourself how to support a client who’s grieving, or what you can do to ease their pain, our resource guide is a place to start. You don’t have to have all the answers, but with the right tools, you can offer support that makes a real difference.
